Raja Mattar


Beirut - Lebanon


Tuesday, 29 October 2002

The Long Arm of Saddam Hussain

   There are many unsolved mysteries in this world, especially in the 20th century. With the brilliance of George W. Bush and his dedicated team some of them are gradually being solved:

1. How come that the most up-todate ship at the time, the "Titanic", could be sunk by a puny iceberg? George W. finally found the answer. It was Saddam's grandfather who designed the murderous iceberg. When the sunken hull of the Titanic was discovered, they found among the wreckage an instruction booklet, in Arabic, titled "How to Pilot Icebergs," along with an Iraqi passport, both in perfect condition. 

2. How can Japan attack Pearl Harbor with US intelligence unable to foresee the tragedy? Now we know! Saddam's father planned it with the Japanese and managed to befuddle the Americans. This is according to evidence passed on to Bush by Sharon, whose honesty and reliability Bush can never doubt. Sharon's was basing his information on transcripts of telephone conversations between Iraqi and Japanese military given to him by one of the UN inspectors to Iraq, who was doubling as a Mossad agent, who in turn had received them from the vindictive first husband of one of Saddam's current wives.

3. The CIA finally discovered that the kamikaze Japanese pilots were trained in Afghanistan to conduct suicide missions. This was confirmed by documents found in Mulla Omar's presidential compound.

4. Harvey Lee Oswald who killed John Kennedy was not a lone operator. He had trained at the Qaeda camps located South of Baghdad. These camps have since moved to Afghanistan because Saddam demanded rent for leasing the facility to al Qaeda. This was revealed to Ashcroft by one of the detainees in Guantanamo Bay.

5. Timothy McVeigh, who was convicted of the Oklahoma bombing, was actually born in Tikrit, Iraq, and is a distant cousin of Saddam Hussain. His original name is Tamim MacTikrit. Jerry Falwell had the full story revealed to him in one of his trances which puts him in direct communication with the God of Evangelical Christians. For those who are not yet aware, the God of Falwell is more senior to the God that we all believe in, or so Falwell claims, hence he has the final word in any celestial dispute.

6. World War II was in fact started by Saddam Hussain's family. Hitler studied military strategy at Habbaniya in Iraq, which is close to where Saddam' father lived. That is also where Hitler learned the secrets of the atom bomb, but was unable to design one in time because the instructions which he carried away with him were in Arabic, and the only person who could translate from Arabic in the Third Reich was a Jew!

7. Research is being undertaken now by Condoleezza Rice along with the FBI, the CIA and the Bush family to determine if any of Saddam Hussain's family were responsible for WWI. They have already determined that none of Saddam's family were responsible for the Korean War, but there is some doubt about the Vietnam war. Documents leaked out of Russia after the collapse of Communism turned up a picture of Ho Chi Minh shaking hands with the Iraqi ambassador at a reception in Moscow. Now everybody is waiting for confirmation from Jerry Falwell when he goes into one of his periodic communications with heaven. But William Safire of the NY Times is not waiting for heavenly confirmation, he insists that the picture is irrefutable evidence of Iraq's involvement.


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