Raja Mattar


Beirut - Lebanon


Sunday, 2 February 2003

George W. Bush to Make a Historic Speech

   George W. Bush will deliver a speech on February 15 outlining his vision for the solution of the Palestinian impasse. He chose the date of February 15 to coincide with the peace marches being planned all over the world.

George W. spent the last two days and nights pacing the floor of the White House trying to decipher the message that God sent him by having the shuttle crash with its Israeli astronaut in a village in Texas called Palestine. After intensive praying and Bible reading, George W. finally came to the conclusion that God's message is very obvious: he should solve the Palestinian problem before attacking Iraq.

George W. started by giving instructions to all his fleet in the Gulf to move to the Mediterranean and take positions on the shores of Israel. He called Sharon to tell him: first, to move out of all the occupied Palestinian territories and abide by all UN council resolutions, including the right of return of all refugees, second, to dismantle all his weapons of mass destruction, third, that the US is stopping all aid to Israel until Sharon abides by these directives.

George W. decided to fire Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Perle, Abrams, Feith, and Condolezza Rice because they have been giving him wrong advice - not in line with God's wishes. He asked Ashcroft to become Secretary of Religion in an effort to keep the lines of communication with God open, lest God starts sending him more disturbing messages, like, for instance, God, in his mysterious ways, would make two or three judges on the US Supreme Court shift their political allegiance from Republican to Democrat and then ask for a review of the decision to install him as president.

George W. also called for a meeting with Falwell, Robertson and Graham to advise them that from now on they should pray for the Palestinians in addition to their prayers for the Israelis. They should also make special prayers to Jesus pleading with him to delay his second coming until there is peace in the Holy Land, and mention in their prayers that George W. is working fervently to realize that peace. They should also pray that Jesus accepts UN resolution 242 and compromise his second coming to the 78% of Palestine that was signed away at Oslo and not insist on the full 100% that they were asking for so far in their prayers.

George W. then called Tony Blair asking him to stop campaigning for a war on Iraq and start campaigning for a war on Israel. Blair tried to argue, but George W. stopped him cold by saying: this is God's wish.

George W. then called Arafat in Ramallah and invited him to the US, requesting him to be present when he delivers his speech.

This is when I suddenly woke up from this pleasant dream in a panic, screaming "please God don't let Arafat mess it up again."

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